FIC: Love!Slash!Angst!

[loveslashangst]

Story: Love!Slash!Angst!
Author: Melinda Kitty melindakitty
Characters: Rose, Ten, Jack, Jackie, Mickey.. and a cast of THOUSANDS.
Rated: R for slash, bisexuality, immature ideas, catchphrases, loss of SAN, unlikely pairings, *flirt*ation, and a whole lot of stuff that’s just plain wrong.
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, because I would have actually ALLOWED this to happen in canon, and then what would y'all have to write about?
Spoilers: None, really (except possibly my beta’s sanity levels..)
Summary: Subtitle: The Entire Whovian Fanfiction Archive, Cat Macro’d.

Never let Leda and me get silly on a trans-Atlantic phone call; things like this can happen. You will either laugh as hard as we did, look at me like I'm insane (which I am [she is. as her beta, I vouch for it. - O]) or both. Let the crack-tastic parody begin.


ROSE AND TEN ENTER THE TARDIS CONTROL ROOM, ROSE IN PERIOD COSTUME, TEN IN HIS USUAL BROWN PINSTRIPED SUIT.

Ten: Unresolved Sexual Tension (UST) disguised as witty anticipation of arrival in new destination.

Rose: UST disguised as enthusiasm.

Ten: *sets controls*

TARDIS: *sails through time in CGI stock footage shot*

Rose/Ten: *humorous crash landing*

Rose: Flirtatious snark.

Ten: Veiled insult. Enthusiasm! Catchphrase!

ROSE AND TEN HAVE ACCIDENTALLY LANDED AT THE POWELL ESTATES.

Ten: Adorably sulky confusion.

Rose: Affectionate snark.

TARDIS: *amusement*

Captain Jack Harkness: Flirt?

Rose: *bats eyes* Flirt?

Ten: *glower*

Rose: Regret! Flirt?

Ten: Annoyance.

TEN LEADS ROSE AWAY.

Captain Jack Harkness: Angst!

Rose: Contrived excuse to visit her mum.

Ten: Petulant but adorable sulking. Confessional angst about not having home or family or planet or fuzzy pet to come home to.

Rose: *sympathy*

Ten: Whiny snark about Rose’s mum.

Rose: *sets jaw* Stubborn insistence.

Ten: *still sulking* Relents.

ROSE AND TEN ARRIVE AT JACKIE TYLER’S FLAT.

Jackie: Enthusiastic greeting!

Ten: *hides under furniture*

Captain Jack Harkness: Flirt?

Ten: *eyeroll* Snarky putdown.

Captain Jack Harkness: Cute angst!

Jackie: *pulls Ten from his hiding place*

Ten: Adorable dread.

Jackie: *covetous snog hello*

Ten: *wishes he were Nine*

Jackie: Shrewish dressing down.

Rose: Adolescent long-suffering sullenness.

Jackie: More shrewish dressing down. Wedding invitation.

Rose/Ten: !!!!

Captain Jack Harness: *peeks out from under furniture* Flirt?

Jackie/Rose/Ten: *glower*

Captain Jack Harkness: *goes back to hiding place* No One To Shag Angst.

Jackie/Rose/Ten: *eyeroll*

Jackie: Insistence about attending wedding.

Rose: Whining about insane family.

Jackie: Stubbornness about wedding attendance.

Ten: Clever, witty monologue, trying to get Rose and himself out of the wedding.

Jackie: *ignores Ten* Insistence on attendance.

Rose: *relents, sulky* Family Angst.

ROSE AND TEN RETREAT TO ROSE’S BEDROOM TO CHANGE.

Ten: *gets out Tuxedo of Doom*

Rose: *eyeroll*

Jackie: Illogical and shrewish reason why Rose and Ten have to share a shower.

Rose: UST.

Ten: Sexy angst.

Rose: Lust disguised as politeness.

Ten: Thinly veiled anticipation.

ROSE AND TEN GET INTO THE SHOWER.

Rose: Flirt?

Ten: Flirt?

Rose: Flirt more.

Ten: Fear of Jackie walking in disguised as gentlemanly angst.

Rose: FLIRT!

Captain Jack Harkness: Flirt?

Rose: Secret desire for Hawt, slashy threesome, disguised as outrage!

Ten: Secret desire for Hawt, slashy threesome, disguised as glower!

Captain Jack Harkness: Flirt? Flirt?

Ten: Witty put-down.

Captain Jack Harkness: *sulks* Resigned To Solitude Angst. *leaves Ten and Rose to shower together*

Rose: Flirt?

Ten: Intense flirt.

Rose: Lust?

Ten: Sincere lust.

Rose/Ten: *hot shag against the shower wall*

Jackie: Complaint about how much hot water -- OUTRAGE!

Ten: Dithering explanation. *looks for towel*

Rose: Smug amusement. *afterglow*

Jackie: Huffy and overprotective dressing down. Buzzkill.

Rose: Mortification. *looks for towel*

Ten: Fear/amusement.

Jackie: *leaves, still huffy* Parting SNARK!

Ten: *dodges slap*

Rose/Ten: *dress for wedding, giggling guiltily*

ROSE AND TEN GO TO WEDDING OF PERSON WE’VE NEVER MET AND DON’T CARE ABOUT.

Mickey: Sulky greeting.

Rose: Ambiguous enthusiasm.

Ten: *eyeroll* Witty snark.

Daleks: *obligatory appearance*

Cybermen: *obligatory appearance*

Random Aliens We’ve Never Met Before But Have Already Seen the Action Figures For At Boots: *DEBUT APPEARANCE!*

Ten: Wide-eyed, dramatic fear.

Mickey: *faints dead away*

Rose: Determination.

RTD: *contrived plot twist stolen from other Science Fiction franchise*

ENTIRE CAST: OMGWTFBBQ ANGST!

WHOVIANS: *eyeroll*

Fanboy: Angry LJ entry.

1000 Anonymous Fangirls: FLAMEWAR!

MelindaKitty: Irritation at Meta!Fic.

Master: *fabulously dramatic entrance* Evil, ranting, megalomaniac monologue. MAD ENTHUSIASM!

Ten: *brandishes sonic screwdriver* Slashy UST disguised as heroic, defiant monologue.

Rose: Leading question so Ten can have another monologue.

Ten: Complex explanation of the situation and his plan, involving tidbits of real science amidst a whole lot of pseudo science. Catchphrase!

Master: Gloriously insane call to arms. *destroys Random Aliens just to prove how evil he is (and ‘cause it’s just so FUN!)* Slashy lust for Ten disguised as spectacularly batty monologue.

Daleks: Trash talk to Cybermen.

Cybermen: Trash talk to Daleks.

Daleks/Cybermen: *blow up each other and most of the wedding buffet*

Master: Annoyance/amusement at stupidity of allies.

Wedding guests: *run in terror* SPLODY STUFF ANGST!

Jackie: MATERNAL ANGST!

Mickey: SULKY TIN DOG ANGST!

Rose: PROTECTIVE HEROINE ANGST!

Master: *brandishes laser screwdriver on ridiculously cool setting* TRIUMPH!

Jackie: *panics*

Mickey: *hides under furniture*

Captain Jack Harkness: Flirt?

Mickey: *eyeroll* *considers*

Ten: *leaps onto furniture in heroicly defiant pose * CATCHPHRASE!

Wedding Guests: *reluctantly make stand, galvanized by Ten’s catchphrase*

Master: Triumphant, yet insane monologue. *is about to brandish laser screwdriver*

Captain Jack Harkness: Flirt?

Master: Snarky put-down.

Captain Jack Harkness: Flirt? Warning. *sexy sexy hero eyes*

Master: *scoffs* Witty monologue mocking Jack’s angst for Ten.

Captain Jack Harkness: *signals Ten*

Ten: *does something cool with sonic screwdriver and nifty pseudo-science*

Captain Jack Harkness: *gets out big gun*

Wedding Guests: *form motley army* CATCHPHRASE!

Master: *explodes*

Ten: *cries* SLASHY, LONELY, LAST-OF-HIS-KIND ALIEN ANGST!

Captain Jack Harkness: Wish for Hawt, slashy sex with Ten, thinly disguised as sympathy.

Rose: Regret for loss of really Hawt, evil threesome with Master and Ten disguised as sympathy. (Foursome including Jack also a sotto vocce possibility.)

Ten: Desire for more Hawt Shower!Sex with Rose, disguised as reluctant acceptance of sympathy for angst.

Captain Jack Harkness: Flirt?

Jackie: Outrage! Relief! Shrewish dressing down for destruction of wedding buffet!

Mickey: Sullen UST disguised as survivor angst.

Rose/Ten/Jack: *eyeroll*

ROSE, TEN, AND JACK LEAVE THE WEDDING, WHICH IS A SHAMBLES, AND RETURN TO THE TARDIS.

Captain Jack Harkness: Flirt?

Rose: Flirt!

Ten: Secret desire for Hawt threesome with Jack and Rose, disguised as annoyance.

Rose: Disappointment. Resigned reference to designated driver.

Captain Jack Harkness: Cajoling flirt. Offer to celebrate.

Ten: Warning.

Rose: Flirt?

Captain Jack Harkness: Flirt!

Ten: *brandishes sonic screwdriver, suddenly manly and possessive*

Captain Jack Harkness: *backs off* Resigned To Not Getting to Shag Rose Angst.

JACK LEAVES TEN AND ROSE ALONE.

Ten: Lust?

Rose: LUST!

Ten/Rose: *go off to have Hawt Console!Sex in TARDIS*

Captain Jack Harkness: Adorably Self-Sacrificing And Yet Still Not Laid Angst.

Martha: Flirt?

Gwen: Flirt? Flirt?

Ianto: Flirt? Flirt? Flirt?

Captain Jack Harkness: *perks up* Flirt?!

Martha/Gwen: Blatant lust disguised as coquettish flirtation.

Ianto: Witty quip about stopwatch.

Captain Jack Harkness: ENTHUSIASM!

Jack/Martha/Ianto/Gwen: *link arms and go off to have Hawt Crossover!Sex in Jack’s office at Torchwood*

Captain John Hart: *sulks* Left Behind Without Dance Partner Angst. *consults list of “Ten Things to Do Today”* *crosses off “things”* *writes in “people”*

Nine: Slashy lust disguised as firm dressing down.

Captain John Hart: Lust!

Nine: Ambiguous flirting disguised as No Longer Star of Series Angst.

Captain John Hart: Indecent proposal.

Nine: *grins* Flirt?

Captain John Hart: FLIRT!

Captain John/Nine: *leap into bushes to have Unlikely-Slashy-Pairing!Sex*

TARDIS: *amusement*

END SCENE



Cross-posted to torchwoodslash, time_and_chips, and better_with_3