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The election is tomorrow (Tuesday), but before then, I thought I'd use my clout for one more bit of politcally-motivated lit-fic:
(Work-safe, but VERY snarky.)
By J. M. Melin and L.S. Angst
R. E. Hall and O. P. Mirage (editors)
It is a dolorous circumstance to those, who walk through the great cities of California, or travel throughout the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors crowded with couples of the same sex, followed by four or six childless couples, all in their finery and indulging in public displays of affection. These Ne'er-Do-Wells, instead of spending all their wages on raising a dozen Children as is proper and right in the Institute of Marriage, are going to the Salon or the Theatre and partaking of far more culture and refinement than those married folk who, obeying the Word of the Lord, struggle against Hope to provide sustenance for their families. In whiles these people, these unfruitful Bohemians, thumb their noses at their moral betters all the while buying timeshares in Cancun.
I think that it is agreed by all Parties that only by a prodigious number of Children in the arms, on the backs, or at the heels of their Mothers and frequently their Fathers can we repair the deplorable state of the Country. Whomsoever can find a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these sterile Homophiles and their same-sex Compatriots useful reproductive members of the Commonwealth of Humanity would deserve so well of the Public as to have his Likeness set up for being a preserver of the Institution of Marriage.
But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for these childless iniquitors; it is of a much greater extent and comprises the whole number of those persons who enter into Marriage for the sake of spurious emotion, and ignore the time-honored tradition of the Family, and all the sacrifices and trials that this Institution entails.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, this Defense of Marriage, and having maturely weighed these myriad schemes of our Body Politic, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their computation. It is true that those misguided persons who choose to marry yet walk contrary to the traditions of Family might spend more than their brethren and participate more deeply in the economy, but what Institution is to provide for them in their dotage? Instead of being a charge upon their own Children as it has been for countless centuries, they shall on the contrary become a burden, needful of housing, food, and raiment, on the greater Society of those same Married Folk who gave their best years up for the sake of their Children.
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those same Miscreants from profiting in the largesses of the Government that are meant solely for the decent folk who have performed their procreant duty. Why should they suckle at the public teat while offering nothing to the furtherment of their own kind?
The number of souls in this Country under God, being usually reckoned at some four hundred Million, of these I calculate that there may be about one hundred million whose Wives are Breeders; from which I subtract some twenty million couples that cannot birth their own children and choose not to, by other means, acquire them. (Although I apprehend that there may be many more, given the present distress of the Economy.) This being granted, there are forty million Souls engaged in a pretense of what Marriage truly means. They do not enlarge the populace and thus increase the future portion of the proletariat on whose labors this great nation shall depend to become accumulativeof further wealth.
The question therefore is, How shall it be allowed that this number of Persons, whom are married for no other reason that this Fickle Whimsy of Love, benefit from the provisions given those who respect this august institution virtuously?
In a matter of some two generations, this allowing of anyone to marry anyone, to choose companionship over Family, shall impact the greatness of the nation in so many uncalculated ways. I am told by our Merchants, and Farmers, and Bakers, and vendors of Automobiles, that they have already felt a downturn in their custom as less offspring are put forth to expand the economy. What of Teachers? Shall this downturn in cherubic vessels waiting to absorb knowledge cause then a withering in the numbers who practice Pedagogy? What of Clothiers who have come to rely on an ever-increasing Populace, going forth and multiplying as commanded by the very scripture that created the Institution of Marriage?
I have been assured by a very knowledgeable man, having spent eight years in the highest office in the land, that Marriage, for the reasons I have put forth and countless other reasons, must be between one Man and one Woman and for the sake of sexual congress intended for the issuance of Progeny. There is no defensible position to think otherwise.
I do therefore humbly offer to publick consideration that the forty million Souls already computed to be flagrant Abusers of such Tax Credits reserved for those who would respect the Institution of Marriage, should be put aside from the decent folk of the land and made to benefit their Peers. Those couples that bear no Children, be they man and woman, or be they of the same gender, should not seek to aggrandize themselves in that they might claim the same stature as decent folk. Indeed, they would be more productive doing services to their fellows that have fallen to immigrants of legal dubiousness. Indeed, what better means to solve two problems -- that of Preserving an honorable Institution, and that of removing the impetus for these "illegal immigrants" to infiltrate our borders -- than to make those that now mock the institution of Marriage pay for this outrage by filling the role of the common Laborer, thus removing an opportunity for these illegals to profit, and thus removing their Influx.
I have digressed, however, and I must return to the subject of my proposal. I think the advantages are obvious and many and of the highest importance to examine.
Firstly, as I have already observed, it would greatly reduce the Divorce Rate, which is some fifty percent in this land after two scant years of Marriage. Remove the Whimsy from enacting the Sacrament of Marriage, and return to the more venerable Arrangement by two families. These Children who are deluded with sentimental capriciousness have not the foresight or wisdom to see their Folly.
Secondly, those who would pretend that they deserve the same "protections" and "benefits" given to one man and one woman would not have any basis to feel they need them, as Marriage would be defined clearly and properly, solely for the purpose of progeneration.
Thirdly, to be fair to those Persons who can say they are married, if they do not have children, they will be granted an immediate and uncontestable legal divorce. No-one will be penalized and nobody will be able to exact vengeance.
Fourthly, the Barren, not being fruitful of progeny, shall after a period of three years grace (which is surely enough time to allow for marital congress to produce legal offspring), be subject to the same conditions specified in the above point. Medical advances could very likely solve any conception issues a barren couple has.
Fifthly, those barren couples who continue steadfast in their resolution to produce progeny in order to preserve their marital status, would be assigned by Lottery the get of the unmarried woman, especially the unmarried teenager, as their own. This would help solve the unwed mother problem, as well as provide the barren a child of their own to adopt and raise in a loving and sanctified Marriage. Any objections to assignation of said child will be billed unlawful and the barren couple will be subject to immediate Divorce.
Sixthly, as an inducement to Marriage, a couple wishing to have children should cohabitate for a period of one year, become pregnant, and deliver a child to prove that they are not barren and are not attempting to take undue advantage of the system for the Benefits provided by the Government to the married. This would benefit everyone, as it would prove the man and woman are capable of increasing the Population and providing future growth to the Economy.
Seventhly, any such married persons who, bring forth homosexual get, having committed the heinous, nay, treasonous act of bearing such offspring ,shall be subjected to the most stringent Sanctions an offended Nation might offer. Immediately shall they be divorced, and their Progeny, having been raised in a flawed, immoral or somehow unholy manner, shall be removed from the tainted household, and will be assigned (via Lottery) to a properly moral Household to be re-educated in the correct manner of Comportment and the appropriate uses of Sexual Congress within Marriage. Further, for this crime of parental failure, the stigma of "Deviant" shall be placed upon all legal Documents, that relate to the heinous Offenders, thus preventing either of these nefarious reprobates from bearing such Undesirables again.
Eighthly, all Married Women, upon reaching the age of naturally-imposed barrenness (known in the vernacular as "menopause"), will be summarily divorced so that their Husbands, being fertile far longer, and upon whom the Nation can still rely with reasonable certainty to continue to produce lawful get, shall seek out and take a new wife who is still in the prime of Fertility. Conversely, should a man become through accident, disease or other process become himself unable to produce viable Scions, he shall be removed from the Institution of Matrimony, and a more suitable, capable Husband shall replace him. Love having been long proven not to be the center of Marital Bliss, this should be among the most appealing of all the Portions of this Proposal.
I can think of not one Objection that would be raised against this Proposal, unless it should be urged that the number of people who debase the Sanctity of Marriage will thereby be much lessened. This I freely own, and 'twas one principal Design in offering it to the World. I desire the reader will observe that I calculate my remedy for this one Institution called Marriage and for no other that ever was, is, or I think, ever can be upon the Earth. Therefore, let no man talk of unfairness of Marriage Benefits. Such Benefits are reward for such commitment that would honor the Sanctity of this Venerable Institution, and should not proffered to those that might mock it in the guise of Equality.
I am not, after all, so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by wise men which shall be found equally innocent, easy, and effectual. But before something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my scheme and offering one better, I desire the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points. Firstly, as things now stand, how they will pay for the tens of millions of couples that will marry only for the benefits of Marriage, without providing Progeny to further future Society, and Secondly, how is it that some forty million persons are allowed to garner some thousands of dollars in undeserved benefit per year? They leave the Nation in greater debt and the nation sees nothing for it.
Lastly, I consider that some attempt to meet this very necessary idea has been put forth in California. If you consider these ideas reasonable and just, then let us begin by voting for this Eighth Proposition of the ballot. If you, gentle reader, consider that Marriage is not for "mere procreation" as I have heard it called but for something more noble of heart, and for love first, then you have drunk deeply of the wine that has caused the Drunkenness of this Disaster, and by extension would have me believe that if two people love each other, and are willing to pledge their lives together, they should be so allowed. You would ask me to give merit to the idea that it should not matter if they have Children, nor even matter if they are Man and Woman, but merely two persons who love each other. If this be true, the Import of this Treatise is lost on you, and you shall assist the Demise of this great Nation.
(And yes, we are kidding. See also "A Modest Proposal", by Johnathan Swift.)
VOTE NO on PROPOSITION 8. It's unfair, unnecessary, and WRONG.
There is nothing "modest" about its proposal.
(Work-safe, but VERY snarky.)
By J. M. Melin and L.S. Angst
R. E. Hall and O. P. Mirage (editors)
It is a dolorous circumstance to those, who walk through the great cities of California, or travel throughout the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors crowded with couples of the same sex, followed by four or six childless couples, all in their finery and indulging in public displays of affection. These Ne'er-Do-Wells, instead of spending all their wages on raising a dozen Children as is proper and right in the Institute of Marriage, are going to the Salon or the Theatre and partaking of far more culture and refinement than those married folk who, obeying the Word of the Lord, struggle against Hope to provide sustenance for their families. In whiles these people, these unfruitful Bohemians, thumb their noses at their moral betters all the while buying timeshares in Cancun.
I think that it is agreed by all Parties that only by a prodigious number of Children in the arms, on the backs, or at the heels of their Mothers and frequently their Fathers can we repair the deplorable state of the Country. Whomsoever can find a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these sterile Homophiles and their same-sex Compatriots useful reproductive members of the Commonwealth of Humanity would deserve so well of the Public as to have his Likeness set up for being a preserver of the Institution of Marriage.
But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for these childless iniquitors; it is of a much greater extent and comprises the whole number of those persons who enter into Marriage for the sake of spurious emotion, and ignore the time-honored tradition of the Family, and all the sacrifices and trials that this Institution entails.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, this Defense of Marriage, and having maturely weighed these myriad schemes of our Body Politic, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their computation. It is true that those misguided persons who choose to marry yet walk contrary to the traditions of Family might spend more than their brethren and participate more deeply in the economy, but what Institution is to provide for them in their dotage? Instead of being a charge upon their own Children as it has been for countless centuries, they shall on the contrary become a burden, needful of housing, food, and raiment, on the greater Society of those same Married Folk who gave their best years up for the sake of their Children.
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those same Miscreants from profiting in the largesses of the Government that are meant solely for the decent folk who have performed their procreant duty. Why should they suckle at the public teat while offering nothing to the furtherment of their own kind?
The number of souls in this Country under God, being usually reckoned at some four hundred Million, of these I calculate that there may be about one hundred million whose Wives are Breeders; from which I subtract some twenty million couples that cannot birth their own children and choose not to, by other means, acquire them. (Although I apprehend that there may be many more, given the present distress of the Economy.) This being granted, there are forty million Souls engaged in a pretense of what Marriage truly means. They do not enlarge the populace and thus increase the future portion of the proletariat on whose labors this great nation shall depend to become accumulativeof further wealth.
The question therefore is, How shall it be allowed that this number of Persons, whom are married for no other reason that this Fickle Whimsy of Love, benefit from the provisions given those who respect this august institution virtuously?
In a matter of some two generations, this allowing of anyone to marry anyone, to choose companionship over Family, shall impact the greatness of the nation in so many uncalculated ways. I am told by our Merchants, and Farmers, and Bakers, and vendors of Automobiles, that they have already felt a downturn in their custom as less offspring are put forth to expand the economy. What of Teachers? Shall this downturn in cherubic vessels waiting to absorb knowledge cause then a withering in the numbers who practice Pedagogy? What of Clothiers who have come to rely on an ever-increasing Populace, going forth and multiplying as commanded by the very scripture that created the Institution of Marriage?
I have been assured by a very knowledgeable man, having spent eight years in the highest office in the land, that Marriage, for the reasons I have put forth and countless other reasons, must be between one Man and one Woman and for the sake of sexual congress intended for the issuance of Progeny. There is no defensible position to think otherwise.
I do therefore humbly offer to publick consideration that the forty million Souls already computed to be flagrant Abusers of such Tax Credits reserved for those who would respect the Institution of Marriage, should be put aside from the decent folk of the land and made to benefit their Peers. Those couples that bear no Children, be they man and woman, or be they of the same gender, should not seek to aggrandize themselves in that they might claim the same stature as decent folk. Indeed, they would be more productive doing services to their fellows that have fallen to immigrants of legal dubiousness. Indeed, what better means to solve two problems -- that of Preserving an honorable Institution, and that of removing the impetus for these "illegal immigrants" to infiltrate our borders -- than to make those that now mock the institution of Marriage pay for this outrage by filling the role of the common Laborer, thus removing an opportunity for these illegals to profit, and thus removing their Influx.
I have digressed, however, and I must return to the subject of my proposal. I think the advantages are obvious and many and of the highest importance to examine.
Firstly, as I have already observed, it would greatly reduce the Divorce Rate, which is some fifty percent in this land after two scant years of Marriage. Remove the Whimsy from enacting the Sacrament of Marriage, and return to the more venerable Arrangement by two families. These Children who are deluded with sentimental capriciousness have not the foresight or wisdom to see their Folly.
Secondly, those who would pretend that they deserve the same "protections" and "benefits" given to one man and one woman would not have any basis to feel they need them, as Marriage would be defined clearly and properly, solely for the purpose of progeneration.
Thirdly, to be fair to those Persons who can say they are married, if they do not have children, they will be granted an immediate and uncontestable legal divorce. No-one will be penalized and nobody will be able to exact vengeance.
Fourthly, the Barren, not being fruitful of progeny, shall after a period of three years grace (which is surely enough time to allow for marital congress to produce legal offspring), be subject to the same conditions specified in the above point. Medical advances could very likely solve any conception issues a barren couple has.
Fifthly, those barren couples who continue steadfast in their resolution to produce progeny in order to preserve their marital status, would be assigned by Lottery the get of the unmarried woman, especially the unmarried teenager, as their own. This would help solve the unwed mother problem, as well as provide the barren a child of their own to adopt and raise in a loving and sanctified Marriage. Any objections to assignation of said child will be billed unlawful and the barren couple will be subject to immediate Divorce.
Sixthly, as an inducement to Marriage, a couple wishing to have children should cohabitate for a period of one year, become pregnant, and deliver a child to prove that they are not barren and are not attempting to take undue advantage of the system for the Benefits provided by the Government to the married. This would benefit everyone, as it would prove the man and woman are capable of increasing the Population and providing future growth to the Economy.
Seventhly, any such married persons who, bring forth homosexual get, having committed the heinous, nay, treasonous act of bearing such offspring ,shall be subjected to the most stringent Sanctions an offended Nation might offer. Immediately shall they be divorced, and their Progeny, having been raised in a flawed, immoral or somehow unholy manner, shall be removed from the tainted household, and will be assigned (via Lottery) to a properly moral Household to be re-educated in the correct manner of Comportment and the appropriate uses of Sexual Congress within Marriage. Further, for this crime of parental failure, the stigma of "Deviant" shall be placed upon all legal Documents, that relate to the heinous Offenders, thus preventing either of these nefarious reprobates from bearing such Undesirables again.
Eighthly, all Married Women, upon reaching the age of naturally-imposed barrenness (known in the vernacular as "menopause"), will be summarily divorced so that their Husbands, being fertile far longer, and upon whom the Nation can still rely with reasonable certainty to continue to produce lawful get, shall seek out and take a new wife who is still in the prime of Fertility. Conversely, should a man become through accident, disease or other process become himself unable to produce viable Scions, he shall be removed from the Institution of Matrimony, and a more suitable, capable Husband shall replace him. Love having been long proven not to be the center of Marital Bliss, this should be among the most appealing of all the Portions of this Proposal.
I can think of not one Objection that would be raised against this Proposal, unless it should be urged that the number of people who debase the Sanctity of Marriage will thereby be much lessened. This I freely own, and 'twas one principal Design in offering it to the World. I desire the reader will observe that I calculate my remedy for this one Institution called Marriage and for no other that ever was, is, or I think, ever can be upon the Earth. Therefore, let no man talk of unfairness of Marriage Benefits. Such Benefits are reward for such commitment that would honor the Sanctity of this Venerable Institution, and should not proffered to those that might mock it in the guise of Equality.
I am not, after all, so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by wise men which shall be found equally innocent, easy, and effectual. But before something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my scheme and offering one better, I desire the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points. Firstly, as things now stand, how they will pay for the tens of millions of couples that will marry only for the benefits of Marriage, without providing Progeny to further future Society, and Secondly, how is it that some forty million persons are allowed to garner some thousands of dollars in undeserved benefit per year? They leave the Nation in greater debt and the nation sees nothing for it.
Lastly, I consider that some attempt to meet this very necessary idea has been put forth in California. If you consider these ideas reasonable and just, then let us begin by voting for this Eighth Proposition of the ballot. If you, gentle reader, consider that Marriage is not for "mere procreation" as I have heard it called but for something more noble of heart, and for love first, then you have drunk deeply of the wine that has caused the Drunkenness of this Disaster, and by extension would have me believe that if two people love each other, and are willing to pledge their lives together, they should be so allowed. You would ask me to give merit to the idea that it should not matter if they have Children, nor even matter if they are Man and Woman, but merely two persons who love each other. If this be true, the Import of this Treatise is lost on you, and you shall assist the Demise of this great Nation.
(And yes, we are kidding. See also "A Modest Proposal", by Johnathan Swift.)
VOTE NO on PROPOSITION 8. It's unfair, unnecessary, and WRONG.
There is nothing "modest" about its proposal.