Fic: "Out Standing in His Field"

[loveslashangst]

Story: "Out Standing in His Field"
Author: Ophymirage ophymirage
Beta: Our Gracious Hostess loveslashangst
Characters: Owen Harper, Captain Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones, Toshiko Sato, Gwen Cooper
Rated: R for language and some mild innuendo.
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, 'cause if I did this kind of silliness might well be canon. (And knowing Burn Gorman, he would've done it well.)
Spoilers: Takes place sometime early Series 2 Torchwood.

Summary: All Owen wanted to do was file the damn report. (The problem with having Tosh control the computers? No ability to delete comments. The problem with having shared computers in a small office? Everyone's free to chip in.) Supplemental prequel drabble to LSA's "Faithful".

Author's Notes: One of the best things about getting to beta for Faithful is the sheer amount of fun we have bouncing ideas off each other over IM (and the incredibly weird things I get called on to research.) This is the result of working on the backstory for the fern in chapter 8.



**************
17-06-2006
Torchwood: Confidential/X-LJ2006
Journal, Dr. Owen Harper
Alien Species Classification: Ophioglossum vulgivagus zephyrus [sorry owen, ‘fern that doesn’t know where the fuck it’s going’ is mean! –ts]

Physical Dimensions:
Approx. 6’ in height when found, base of broad fleshy leaves approx. 2’ x 3’, shape similar to other adders’ tongue ferns, but spreading out instead of up. Plant has grown significantly since being confined to Torchwood, and nearly tripled in height. Pruning is not advised with this species.

Physical Description:
Central stalk of woody cellulose, individual stems/leaves in radiating structure from base. 5-6 large root/rhizome structures which seem to serve as ‘feet’ for all intents & purposes, in addition to normal root functions of absorption & anchoring. Central stalk is capable of quick-growing independent vining tendrils that can support & twine, either to pull/tug the plant along (including ‘climbing’ over structures) or function as additional supportive 'feet'. Many stems bear fronds, which appear to be the plant’s sensing organs – air currents, light, sound vibrations all cause reactions in the leaves. Frond structure is also similar to adders’ tongue.

Cellular/DNA Analysis:
Origin: Terrestrial, suspected. DNA compatible with other species of Ophioglossum, including high chromosome count. Scans indicate however that ALL DNA is active, unlike the junk DNA in native O.azoricum examined for comparison.

Behaviours:
O. vulgivagus zephyrus vulgivagus [my goddamned report, tosh, my identification, my name!–oh] ZEPHYRUS -ts [oh bloody hell, ALL RIGHT, TOSH!! –oh] has exhibited capability of independent ambulation, apparently primarily prompted by depletion of local resources (soil, nutrients, water, etc.) [or just boredom. -cjh] [buggering hell, can I not write a simple report without the entirety of bloody Torchwood chiming in? -oh] O.z. appears capable also of generating new vines at will, exceedingly rapid growth, which can be used to examine and interact with surrounding territory.

Fronds appear to double as sensory organs, reacting to light, heat [so, that cold bucket of water teach you not to test it with cigarette lighters? -gc], air currents, sound vibrations.

O.z. is also capable of limited sentient response, exhibiting attraction responses to strong emotional projection: Tested by I. Jones (ranked TWR1-empath). Plant fronds/vines rotated to follow as he walked around, when he claimed to be thinking strongly about emotional states. Plant did not exhibit similar behaviours when tested with G. Cooper performing same motions, nor with T. Sato (though plant responded strongly to tactile examination of leaves.) [petting, owen – he just likes to be petted, that’s all.-ts] [it’s a PLANT, tosh, it doesn’t know the bloody difference. -oh] J. Harkness claims he is able to speak to it, but claim backed up by no empirical evidence this researcher cares to discuss. [Just because it dumped you on your ass, Owen, is no reason to be sore. oh, wait, guess it is. -cjh] [The specimen exhibiting a random reflex doesn’t prove that you can talk to plants, Dr. Grew-little. –oh]

Discovery Report:

16 June 2006, 9:16 am, T. Sato intercepted call to Cardiff’s finest from a Mrs. Daffyd ap Williams on Lydstep Crescent, reporting new plant appearing overnight in the middle of her lawn. Said new plant was over six feet in height and taking an undue, nay, alarming interest in her dog. [Owen knows how to use the word ‘nay’ in a sentence? –ij] [did it involve horses? –cjh] [JACK!!! –ij/ts/gc] [what?? did I SAY anything? –cjh] [keep your perverted fancies to yourself, harkness, and out of my report! –oh] Investigation warranted, CPD notified that we would handle privately.

Upon arrival, were greeted at the door by the elderly Mrs. Williams, widow and avid gardener, who was eager to tell us all about every plant in the bloody garden except the actual problem one.That one was making itself patently obvious next to the birdbath. Teaboy [change to read I. Jones Field Agent Trainee -cjh] Teaboy spotted it right off, well done - several leaves soaking in the water, several more vines playing catch-and-release with the 4lb overbred monstrosity she called a dog. Widow promptly started screaming about her poor poppy, necessitating Heroic Rescue by Our Fearless Leader of Poor Helpless Animal. Toss-up what did more damage, the baby blue eyes on the widow’s heart, or the dog’s teeth on his wrist. [You know, I hate to admit it, but he actually has a gift for narrative. –cjh] [He’s being sarcastic, sir. –ij] Field Agent Cooper dispatched to kitchen with tea, sympathy, and retcon for all concerned – it’s what she’s best at. [owen, you did NOT just imply that I’m better in the kitchen because I’m a woman, did you? –gc] [why would I do that when you know where the scalpels are? –oh] [AND the passcode to your apartment. –gc] [like I didn’t change that the day after. –oh] [like we don’t have that on file. –cjh] [people, can we get back to the bloody report subject please? –oh]

Field Agents Harper, Harkness and Teaboy [Owen, I’m not warning you again. –cjh] [it’s all right sir, Tosh just cracked the passwords to his WOW account. –ij] FINE, Jones circled the plant, which reacted aggressively, lashing out with vines, before retreating – yes, really, picked up its stems and started bloody *walking* - towards stand of trees backing the property. Field Agent Harper attempted to block its path, but was unsuccessful. [grappled by a vine and dangled upside-down from one ankle until rescued by the dashing and daring Field Agent Trainee, wouldn’t you say, Owen? –cjh] [To be fair, Jack, that’s a good definition of ‘unsuccessful.’ And we have the pictures to put in the dictionary next to it, too. –gc]

Field Captain Harkness managed to block plant keep plant from moving retrieve plant stand in front of plant and keep it from moving further by .. [I can’t write it down. It’s bloody rubbish. –oh] [come on, Owen, it’s not that bad. it’s not as bad as the time the Vanaxian leech went for your privates, for example. –ts] [WHAT? –gc] [tell you over drinks some time – it’s better with sound effects. –ts] [oh, buggering HELL, ALL RIGHT –oh] By TALKING to it nicely, and convincing it to come for a nice drive to a new home where it could have all the nutrients and soil it wanted. And everyone, including the fern, and even the bloody Teaboy, lived happily fucking ever after, okay?

Signed, Dr. Owen Harper, 20th June 2006
Countersigned, Captain Jack Harkness, 20th June 2006.
Filed: M-17/P-4/AS-2 / I. Jones

[Ianto, I’ve always wondered – what’s the designation sequence actually stand for? –gc]
[Gwen: Mutants row 17, Plants cabinet 4, Audrey-style folder 2. –ij]
[No wonder I can never find anything in Archives. –cjh]
[You mean, you actually ARE looking for things when you go down there? –ts]
[Yes, and he always finds what he’s looking for. Eventually. –ij]
[Tosh, I really, REALLY hate the fact that you’ve disabled my delete functions. Really. –oh]



x-posted to jackxianto and torchwoodslash