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Story: Fifty Things Toshiko Sato Learnt During a Very Non-Canon Fling With Donna Noble
Author: Melinda Kitty![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
melindakitty
Characters: Toshiko Sato, Donna Noble, cameos by Tenth Doctor, Captain Jack Harkness
Rated: R for slash, bisexuality, (im)mature ideas, language, alcohol abuse, shoe-shopping, serious misuse of the TARDIS, and a whole lot of stuff that’s just plain wrong.
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, because RTD would never let Tosh have that much fun in black f*ck-me heels.
Spoilers: AU. If you hadn’t guessed that already. Takes place sometime after "A Day in the Death", Series 2 Torchwood.
Summary: This crack!tastic little fic isophymirage’s fault. At first she just wanted an unlikely femslash. Then I thought of this. She dared me to do it. (And damn her, I couldn’t stop laughing, so I had to.) Also the “Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster” is Emery Board’s. She dared me to do it too, saying it’s “so wrong, it just has to be right.” If I’m chased around the ‘net with torches, pitchforks, tar, and feathers, I promise not to hold it against you guys.
1) In retrospect, Tosh probably shouldn’t have had that fifteenth Mai Tai.
2) But the very loud redheaded lady was buying, and it was the first time Tosh’d really laughed since Mary.
3) The TARDIS is not something one should experience for the first time while drunk. (It really is bigger on the inside.)
4) If one can avoid all the wires and scary-looking jury-rigging, the console can actually be a lot of fun.
5) And Donna may be louder in public, but Tosh is louder in... well... it WOULD have been bed, but they didn’t quite get that far.
6) Hmmm. Carpet does match the drapes. That’s a first.
7) Noisy shagging annoys the hell out of the well cute guy Donna travels with.
8) And he gets even huffier when Donna invites him to join.
9) For a “Doctor”, he certainly is squeamish about nudity.
10) If you ask the Doctor what the funny little round port on the console is for, he’ll ask you to leave.
11) Donna’s really impressive when she bellows.
12) Unfortunately, the Doctor’s even more impressive when he’s really pissed off.
13) When you’re thrown out of an alien space-and-time-ship for an illicit lesbian shag, don’t forget your knickers; the walk back to the night bus stop can chafe.
14) Morning afters suck.
15) Donna actually makes a remarkably good hangover cure.
16) Though it tastes more like dogshit than the hair of the dog that bit her.
17) To her relief, Donna’s equally embarrassed. (Well. Mostly. I mean they should be, shouldn’t they?)
18) Donna has a weird fixation on shoe shopping as a fix-all for sexual misconduct with strangers.
19) Who would’ve thought? The world really is a little better in four inch black stilettos. (Especially with a fun girlfriend there to catch you and keep you from twisting your ankle.)
20) Actually, shoes are really sexy.
21) Really REALLY sexy!
22) In retrospect, the quick-and-dirty shag in the closet at the Hub was a bad idea. (Though the look on Owen’s face when he opened the door was almost worth it.)
23) When caught in a compromising situation, never answer Owen honestly when he asks who the redhead is.
24) Owen may be dead, but he’s not THAT dead.
25) Jack has superhuman hearing when it comes to conversations about anything sexual.
26) And no, he won’t just discreetly drop it. (Especially when bastard Owen CALLS HIM OVER TO SEE BEFORE SHE AND DONNA CAN GET DRESSED!)
27) Though happily Donna doesn’t invite either of them to join.
28) Donna has a mean slap on her when defending her new lover against a salacious coworker and a pervy-minded boss.
29) Owen sulks about the slap; Jack doesn’t seem to mind his.
30) The only thing worse than having everyone find out she’s now batting for both teams is to have Jack’s approval.
31) And Ianto’s silent smirk of support.
32) And Owen’s fascinated and over-loud imagining of all the possible geometries.
33) And Gwen’s blush as she vainly attempts not to imagine them.
34) Forgetting one’s knickers in the TARDIS could be ignored. Forgetting one’s hands-free...? Recipe for more public humiliation.
35) Especially when Jack pronounces that a trip to the TARDIS will be a “field trip” for the whole team.
36) Not even Donna can shout down a gleefully determined Jack.
37) Jack really wasn’t bluffing when he said he knew where the TARDIS was.
38) The only thing that makes the Doctor squeak louder than finding two women shagging in his console room is when Jack introduces him as “my ex.”
39) And if the Doctor’s so straight, why does Tosh catch him checking out Ianto’s ass?
40) Jack knows what the strange, little, round port on the console is for.
41) Never teasingly ask for a demonstration; Jack WILL call your bluff.
42) The TARDIS doesn’t seem to mind. (In fact, she seems happy to see Jack.)
43) Ships shouldn’t make that kind of noise.
44) She never knew so many people could turn so many colours of puce.
45) Or could make that many different noises of outrage/fascination/disgust/amusement.
46) She has to admit, the Doctor really did have the right to throw them out that time.
47) Apparently, Tosh wasn’t the only one in need of a good shag; it now seems the Doctor’s ride home hinges on the TARDIS’s being in a good mood.
48) The look on the Doctor’s face when the TARDIS throws him out to apologize to Jack is priceless.
49) When an alien takes you and the rest of the Torchwood crew to a distant planet for drinks, whatever a “Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster” is, make sure you have at least three of them.
50) And when Jack offers to loan you some of his “collection” for use with your new girlfriend, say yes. (But mind the projectile lubricant; it stains.)
Cross-posted to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
torchwoodslash
Author: Melinda Kitty
melindakittyCharacters: Toshiko Sato, Donna Noble, cameos by Tenth Doctor, Captain Jack Harkness
Rated: R for slash, bisexuality, (im)mature ideas, language, alcohol abuse, shoe-shopping, serious misuse of the TARDIS, and a whole lot of stuff that’s just plain wrong.
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, because RTD would never let Tosh have that much fun in black f*ck-me heels.
Spoilers: AU. If you hadn’t guessed that already. Takes place sometime after "A Day in the Death", Series 2 Torchwood.
Summary: This crack!tastic little fic is
ophymirage’s fault. At first she just wanted an unlikely femslash. Then I thought of this. She dared me to do it. (And damn her, I couldn’t stop laughing, so I had to.) Also the “Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster” is Emery Board’s. She dared me to do it too, saying it’s “so wrong, it just has to be right.” If I’m chased around the ‘net with torches, pitchforks, tar, and feathers, I promise not to hold it against you guys.1) In retrospect, Tosh probably shouldn’t have had that fifteenth Mai Tai.
2) But the very loud redheaded lady was buying, and it was the first time Tosh’d really laughed since Mary.
3) The TARDIS is not something one should experience for the first time while drunk. (It really is bigger on the inside.)
4) If one can avoid all the wires and scary-looking jury-rigging, the console can actually be a lot of fun.
5) And Donna may be louder in public, but Tosh is louder in... well... it WOULD have been bed, but they didn’t quite get that far.
6) Hmmm. Carpet does match the drapes. That’s a first.
7) Noisy shagging annoys the hell out of the well cute guy Donna travels with.
8) And he gets even huffier when Donna invites him to join.
9) For a “Doctor”, he certainly is squeamish about nudity.
10) If you ask the Doctor what the funny little round port on the console is for, he’ll ask you to leave.
11) Donna’s really impressive when she bellows.
12) Unfortunately, the Doctor’s even more impressive when he’s really pissed off.
13) When you’re thrown out of an alien space-and-time-ship for an illicit lesbian shag, don’t forget your knickers; the walk back to the night bus stop can chafe.
14) Morning afters suck.
15) Donna actually makes a remarkably good hangover cure.
16) Though it tastes more like dogshit than the hair of the dog that bit her.
17) To her relief, Donna’s equally embarrassed. (Well. Mostly. I mean they should be, shouldn’t they?)
18) Donna has a weird fixation on shoe shopping as a fix-all for sexual misconduct with strangers.
19) Who would’ve thought? The world really is a little better in four inch black stilettos. (Especially with a fun girlfriend there to catch you and keep you from twisting your ankle.)
20) Actually, shoes are really sexy.
21) Really REALLY sexy!
22) In retrospect, the quick-and-dirty shag in the closet at the Hub was a bad idea. (Though the look on Owen’s face when he opened the door was almost worth it.)
23) When caught in a compromising situation, never answer Owen honestly when he asks who the redhead is.
24) Owen may be dead, but he’s not THAT dead.
25) Jack has superhuman hearing when it comes to conversations about anything sexual.
26) And no, he won’t just discreetly drop it. (Especially when bastard Owen CALLS HIM OVER TO SEE BEFORE SHE AND DONNA CAN GET DRESSED!)
27) Though happily Donna doesn’t invite either of them to join.
28) Donna has a mean slap on her when defending her new lover against a salacious coworker and a pervy-minded boss.
29) Owen sulks about the slap; Jack doesn’t seem to mind his.
30) The only thing worse than having everyone find out she’s now batting for both teams is to have Jack’s approval.
31) And Ianto’s silent smirk of support.
32) And Owen’s fascinated and over-loud imagining of all the possible geometries.
33) And Gwen’s blush as she vainly attempts not to imagine them.
34) Forgetting one’s knickers in the TARDIS could be ignored. Forgetting one’s hands-free...? Recipe for more public humiliation.
35) Especially when Jack pronounces that a trip to the TARDIS will be a “field trip” for the whole team.
36) Not even Donna can shout down a gleefully determined Jack.
37) Jack really wasn’t bluffing when he said he knew where the TARDIS was.
38) The only thing that makes the Doctor squeak louder than finding two women shagging in his console room is when Jack introduces him as “my ex.”
39) And if the Doctor’s so straight, why does Tosh catch him checking out Ianto’s ass?
40) Jack knows what the strange, little, round port on the console is for.
41) Never teasingly ask for a demonstration; Jack WILL call your bluff.
42) The TARDIS doesn’t seem to mind. (In fact, she seems happy to see Jack.)
43) Ships shouldn’t make that kind of noise.
44) She never knew so many people could turn so many colours of puce.
45) Or could make that many different noises of outrage/fascination/disgust/amusement.
46) She has to admit, the Doctor really did have the right to throw them out that time.
47) Apparently, Tosh wasn’t the only one in need of a good shag; it now seems the Doctor’s ride home hinges on the TARDIS’s being in a good mood.
48) The look on the Doctor’s face when the TARDIS throws him out to apologize to Jack is priceless.
49) When an alien takes you and the rest of the Torchwood crew to a distant planet for drinks, whatever a “Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster” is, make sure you have at least three of them.
50) And when Jack offers to loan you some of his “collection” for use with your new girlfriend, say yes. (But mind the projectile lubricant; it stains.)
Cross-posted to
torchwoodslashTags: