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Story: Fifty Things Captain Jack Harkness Learnt After Ianto Jones Learnt to Knit
Author: Love! Slash! Angst!![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
loveslashangst
Beta: the mischievously enablingophymirage
Characters: Ianto Jones, Captain Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper, Rhys Williams, and P.C. Andy
Rated: Adult for implied slash, canon bisexuality, mature content, and sexually-charged banter and imagery. I’m pretty much incapable of writing anything without some sexual overtones.
Disclaimer: The crack! It burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrns! It BURRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNS! I don’t own these characters, because if I did, people would watch Torchwood just out of sick curiosity for what weirdness I’d come up with next.
Spoilers: Takes place sometime before chapter 1 of FAITHFUL. If you haven’t seen the first two series of Torchwood, you WILL be spoilered. I like to mess with canon, especially when it pisses me off.
Summary: AU. The title says it all: “Fifty Things Captain Jack Harkness Learnt after Ianto Jones Learnt to Knit”.
Author's Note:
Okay, so here's the dealio...
IRL: I’m writing my arse off, because I did REALLY well at the latest PitchFest. Both my properties were received VERY well and just about everyone was very nice and supportive. Fantastic experience all around. Unfortunately, it has meant that my for-hire stuff has supplanted the fanfic in my priorities, which is why y’all haven’t seen much of me.
Fear not; O and I HAVE been talking out Chapter 26. I hope to write it Tuesday or Wednesday, which hopefully means you’ll have it by the end of the week. It should be crack-tastic too, and then there will probably be more porn.
In the meantime, this is all O’s fault.
[O sez: Actually, if we’re going to blame anyone, it should be my friendwambold, who has been teaching me to knit, and took me to Stitches West on Saturday, which was awesome and hurt my brain. This warped little idea is the product of 6 hours of staring at fibres.]
*giggles*
On with the show...
1) Grief sits heavily on all three of them. Gwen cries from time to time. Jack tries to pretend he can handle yet another traumatic loss of people he loved. Ianto, oddly, takes up knitting.
2) Actually, Ianto’s pretty exceptional with a pair of knitting needles. (Good hands and an obsessive-compulsive nature.)
3) Jack rather fancies his striped scarf in Gryffindor colours. Ianto wears his Slytherin colours with pride. Gwen sulks incessantly about her Hufflepuff muffler.
4) And nothing’s sure to turn tears into huffy (and entertaining) defensiveness faster than to come up behind Gwen and whisper, “Hufflepuff.”
5) Just make sure you skate out of hitting range quickly. (Gwen has a mean right hook.)
6) Okay, the super-long scarf in browns and earth tones is just plain silly. It’s too long to do anyone much good, though Ianto insists it’s a pattern he remembers from a character on a science-fiction show he watched religiously on telly as a child.
7) Janet the Weevil looks rather fetching in her emerald green wool scarf.
8) Though Jack starts to worry when she shows off the matching socks, preening.
9) Okay, this is getting weird. Ianto says Janet’s coordinating hat didn’t fit right, so he’s planning a pair of gloves instead. (Fingerless to accommodate her claws.)
10) “Waste not, want not” is not a suitable explanation for WHY a Weevil needs hand-knit fingerless gloves.
11) “It’s cold down in the Cells” is also not acceptable.
12) If Ianto knits him or Gwen one more pair of socks, Jack is putting his (bare) foot down.
13) Though he hates to be too hard on Ianto for fear that he’ll stop making those heavenly sweater-vests that actually do keep out the Welsh chill.
14) Jack knows he’s lost control of the situation when Rhys calls him on his private line to ask what the hell Ianto means by all the socks and knitted ties. (Though Rhys also freely grants they’re beautifully made.)
15) A Myfanwy-shaped tea cosy is kinda cute.
16) A Weevil tea cosy is just plain wrong.
17) A Dalek tea cosy is disturbing beyond description.
18) Gwen does not find knitted lingerie amusing.
19) Rhys does.
20) Ianto better not knit Gwen one more thing involving G-strings, or even Jack may not be able to save him.
21) The only thing that pisses Gwen off more than knitted unmentionables is copious amounts of perfectly-coordinated baby clothes.
22) Though neither he nor Ianto will be surprised when she finally comes in and announces she’s expecting.
23) And then she'll have to own that the christening gown is awfully pretty. (When did Ianto learn to crochet?)
24) An impeccably-tailored neo-Victorian cardigan with ribbon trim is the fastest way to earn Gwen’s forgiveness.
25) Enough with the doilies.
26) No, seriously. Enough with the damn doilies.
27) The next “designer throw” that has the misfortune to find its way onto Jack’s bunk will be used for target practice.
28) Then he’ll feed the scraps to the Long-Toothed Razor-Beast in sublevel 9. (It’s developed a taste for knitted socks as it is.)
29) Confiscating Ianto’s knitting needles is an exercise in futility.
30) Tangling Ianto’s yarn only leads to no sex and being one man short on missions.
31) Not whining, nor wheedling, nor threatening, nor cajoling, nor even turning on the Harkness Grin can deter Ianto when his yarn is a shambles.
32) Yes, he is POSITIVE there is no such thing as a “computer cosy”.
33) “Monitor cosies”, complete with hand-detailed screen saver are… actually kind of impressive in a demented sort of way.
34) Okay, that is the LAST straw. Jack’s antique Webley sidearm does NOT need a “gun cosy”.
35) And Jack does not need a “willie warmer”, no matter HOW cold it gets in December.
36) On second thought, the silk yarn is kinda comfy and stretches nicely, but Jack still thinks the diagonal red stripes makes his cock look like a candy cane.
37) This amuses Ianto a little too much.
38) When cornered and ordered to choose -- his knitting obsession and RetCon, or forfeiting his needles and yarn and keeping his memory -- Ianto will not play fair.
39) On the plus side, Ianto knows all kinds of OTHER uses for yarn.
40) Silk yarn feels heavenly on aroused skin.
41) And is stronger than it looks.
42) So THAT’s what the fingerless gloves are good for.
43) Okay, he’s man enough to admit it: yarn can be sexy in the right hands.
44) After Rhys stops laughing when he finds out about Jack’s “willie warmer”, he wants one too. (Though he insists his not have stripes.)
45) Fortunately, Ianto knows how to knit smiley faces.
46) Apparently, the coordinating “ball sack” Ianto makes for Rhys actually does ease the chill of the seat on early-morning deliveries.
47) Though the ribs on Jack’s own “ball sack” are sexier.
48) And damn Jack if -- the next time they’re out on a mission -- Ianto doesn’t wield size-6 bamboo doublepoints the way ninjas toss throwing stars.
49) It’s worth having to clean up the mess just to see the look on P.C. Andy's face when he happens upon the aftermath.
50) It’s also worth pretending to know how to knit just to see Gwen turn that many colours in horror at the thought that now there are two of them.
Author: Love! Slash! Angst!
loveslashangstBeta: the mischievously enabling
ophymirageCharacters: Ianto Jones, Captain Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper, Rhys Williams, and P.C. Andy
Rated: Adult for implied slash, canon bisexuality, mature content, and sexually-charged banter and imagery. I’m pretty much incapable of writing anything without some sexual overtones.
Disclaimer: The crack! It burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrns! It BURRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNS! I don’t own these characters, because if I did, people would watch Torchwood just out of sick curiosity for what weirdness I’d come up with next.
Spoilers: Takes place sometime before chapter 1 of FAITHFUL. If you haven’t seen the first two series of Torchwood, you WILL be spoilered. I like to mess with canon, especially when it pisses me off.
Summary: AU. The title says it all: “Fifty Things Captain Jack Harkness Learnt after Ianto Jones Learnt to Knit”.
Author's Note:
Okay, so here's the dealio...
IRL: I’m writing my arse off, because I did REALLY well at the latest PitchFest. Both my properties were received VERY well and just about everyone was very nice and supportive. Fantastic experience all around. Unfortunately, it has meant that my for-hire stuff has supplanted the fanfic in my priorities, which is why y’all haven’t seen much of me.
Fear not; O and I HAVE been talking out Chapter 26. I hope to write it Tuesday or Wednesday, which hopefully means you’ll have it by the end of the week. It should be crack-tastic too, and then there will probably be more porn.
In the meantime, this is all O’s fault.
[O sez: Actually, if we’re going to blame anyone, it should be my friend
wambold, who has been teaching me to knit, and took me to Stitches West on Saturday, which was awesome and hurt my brain. This warped little idea is the product of 6 hours of staring at fibres.] *giggles*
On with the show...
1) Grief sits heavily on all three of them. Gwen cries from time to time. Jack tries to pretend he can handle yet another traumatic loss of people he loved. Ianto, oddly, takes up knitting.
2) Actually, Ianto’s pretty exceptional with a pair of knitting needles. (Good hands and an obsessive-compulsive nature.)
3) Jack rather fancies his striped scarf in Gryffindor colours. Ianto wears his Slytherin colours with pride. Gwen sulks incessantly about her Hufflepuff muffler.
4) And nothing’s sure to turn tears into huffy (and entertaining) defensiveness faster than to come up behind Gwen and whisper, “Hufflepuff.”
5) Just make sure you skate out of hitting range quickly. (Gwen has a mean right hook.)
6) Okay, the super-long scarf in browns and earth tones is just plain silly. It’s too long to do anyone much good, though Ianto insists it’s a pattern he remembers from a character on a science-fiction show he watched religiously on telly as a child.
7) Janet the Weevil looks rather fetching in her emerald green wool scarf.
8) Though Jack starts to worry when she shows off the matching socks, preening.
9) Okay, this is getting weird. Ianto says Janet’s coordinating hat didn’t fit right, so he’s planning a pair of gloves instead. (Fingerless to accommodate her claws.)
10) “Waste not, want not” is not a suitable explanation for WHY a Weevil needs hand-knit fingerless gloves.
11) “It’s cold down in the Cells” is also not acceptable.
12) If Ianto knits him or Gwen one more pair of socks, Jack is putting his (bare) foot down.
13) Though he hates to be too hard on Ianto for fear that he’ll stop making those heavenly sweater-vests that actually do keep out the Welsh chill.
14) Jack knows he’s lost control of the situation when Rhys calls him on his private line to ask what the hell Ianto means by all the socks and knitted ties. (Though Rhys also freely grants they’re beautifully made.)
15) A Myfanwy-shaped tea cosy is kinda cute.
16) A Weevil tea cosy is just plain wrong.
17) A Dalek tea cosy is disturbing beyond description.
18) Gwen does not find knitted lingerie amusing.
19) Rhys does.
20) Ianto better not knit Gwen one more thing involving G-strings, or even Jack may not be able to save him.
21) The only thing that pisses Gwen off more than knitted unmentionables is copious amounts of perfectly-coordinated baby clothes.
22) Though neither he nor Ianto will be surprised when she finally comes in and announces she’s expecting.
23) And then she'll have to own that the christening gown is awfully pretty. (When did Ianto learn to crochet?)
24) An impeccably-tailored neo-Victorian cardigan with ribbon trim is the fastest way to earn Gwen’s forgiveness.
25) Enough with the doilies.
26) No, seriously. Enough with the damn doilies.
27) The next “designer throw” that has the misfortune to find its way onto Jack’s bunk will be used for target practice.
28) Then he’ll feed the scraps to the Long-Toothed Razor-Beast in sublevel 9. (It’s developed a taste for knitted socks as it is.)
29) Confiscating Ianto’s knitting needles is an exercise in futility.
30) Tangling Ianto’s yarn only leads to no sex and being one man short on missions.
31) Not whining, nor wheedling, nor threatening, nor cajoling, nor even turning on the Harkness Grin can deter Ianto when his yarn is a shambles.
32) Yes, he is POSITIVE there is no such thing as a “computer cosy”.
33) “Monitor cosies”, complete with hand-detailed screen saver are… actually kind of impressive in a demented sort of way.
34) Okay, that is the LAST straw. Jack’s antique Webley sidearm does NOT need a “gun cosy”.
35) And Jack does not need a “willie warmer”, no matter HOW cold it gets in December.
36) On second thought, the silk yarn is kinda comfy and stretches nicely, but Jack still thinks the diagonal red stripes makes his cock look like a candy cane.
37) This amuses Ianto a little too much.
38) When cornered and ordered to choose -- his knitting obsession and RetCon, or forfeiting his needles and yarn and keeping his memory -- Ianto will not play fair.
39) On the plus side, Ianto knows all kinds of OTHER uses for yarn.
40) Silk yarn feels heavenly on aroused skin.
41) And is stronger than it looks.
42) So THAT’s what the fingerless gloves are good for.
43) Okay, he’s man enough to admit it: yarn can be sexy in the right hands.
44) After Rhys stops laughing when he finds out about Jack’s “willie warmer”, he wants one too. (Though he insists his not have stripes.)
45) Fortunately, Ianto knows how to knit smiley faces.
46) Apparently, the coordinating “ball sack” Ianto makes for Rhys actually does ease the chill of the seat on early-morning deliveries.
47) Though the ribs on Jack’s own “ball sack” are sexier.
48) And damn Jack if -- the next time they’re out on a mission -- Ianto doesn’t wield size-6 bamboo doublepoints the way ninjas toss throwing stars.
49) It’s worth having to clean up the mess just to see the look on P.C. Andy's face when he happens upon the aftermath.
50) It’s also worth pretending to know how to knit just to see Gwen turn that many colours in horror at the thought that now there are two of them.
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