Fic, Night Watch, 1/4: "Encounters"

[loveslashangst]

Story: Night Watch
Author: The newly-transplanted loveslashangst
Beta: The late-with-beta ophymirage
Characters: Ianto Jones, Captain Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper, Toshiko Sato, Owen Harper; Agents Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and Director Walter Skinner
Rated: PG-13 for language. May go up in later chapters, but probably not.
Disclaimer: If I were the BBC, Torchwood would be late-night-cable-worthy. If I were Fox, seasons 7-9 would not have happened. Ergo...
Spoilers: Pre "Exit Wounds"? Honestly, it's AU. If there was a crossover this was spoiling, it would be awesome. :D
Summary: X-Files Meets Torchwood. Yeah, that's gonna go well.


Okay, so here's the dealio...

It's not Faithful. It's not Venezia. It's not my CoE fix. It's not even the Janet and Jack interviews. But it WOULD NOT LEAVE ME ALONE. So here it is, in all its glory. I wasn't going to do it until O reminded me that scripts go really quick.

I was gonna have it done for my birthday. (Or at least Ianto's birthday, which was the 19th.) O's still working her way through a lovely present of her own.

So I think what I'm trying to say is that while it isn't porn (and I have two hum-DINGER scenes in the pipeline, one in the DancingLessons!verse, and one fixing the mess I made in the Faithful!verse) hopefully it will be crack-tastic enough to satisfy.

On with the show...



FADE IN

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET (WASHINGTON D.C.) - NIGHT

The unmarked car of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully discreetly rolls to a stop outside an impressive gated estate.

INT. MULDER'S CAR (STATIONARY) - SAME

Mulder shifts the car into park.

SCULLY
This is a fool's errand, Mulder.

MULDER
Think of it as an opportunity.

SCULLY
There's no way a guy who owns a million-dollar--

MULDER
Several millions, I'd think.

SCULLY
-- estate like this wastes his time trolling for artifacts on E-Bay.

MULDER
Well, then this will be a very short, very pleasant social call. And you never know -- some of the FBI's best tech could be inspired by finds from Eddie and Ethel Mid-America.

Mulder gets out of the car

SCULLY
They are not... and this is D.C.! Mulder…

She huffs, exasperated, and follows him out of the car.

EXT. THE PERIMETER FENCE - SAME

Longsuffering but doggedly loyal, Scully hustles on fashionable chunky heels to catch up to Mulder. He peers beyond the fence as he ambles.

Ahead on the fence, a sign says "DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!"

Curious, Mulder picks up a rock. Tosses it like a skipping stone at the fence.

A loud SIZZLING. Several CRACKLES. A flash of light. A puff of smoke.

The rock has been obliterated.

MULDER
Wow.

SCULLY
So much for the sneaky way. Did Skinner have any suggestions for how we're supposed to get in?

MULDER
Not really.

SCULLY
Figures.

MULDER
But the Gunmen sent me complete schematics.

SCULLY
Then why are we wandering around, throwing rocks at the urban estate of Dr. Evil?

MULDER
Was that an Austin Powers reference?

SCULLY
(losing patience)
Mullllllllllder...

Grinning, Mulder unfolds a printout.

MULDER
C'mon. Should be right over here.

EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE FENCE - SAME

Owen Harper, Captain Jack Harkness, and Ianto Jones make their quick and quiet way along the fence, guns drawn and trained on the ground.

OWEN
Swear to God, Jack, if you start humming the Mission Impossible Theme...

JACK
Hear that, Ianto? Owen's trying to take the fun out of this.

IANTO
Yes, sir. How could one possibly miss the fun that is sneaking about in a heavily-armed foreign country after dark beside a death-fence?

JACK
Well, it'd be more fun if it were just you and me…

OWEN
Oi! Get a room. Where are the girls, anyway?

Ianto taps his hands-free.

IANTO
Tosh. You in place?

INTERCUT AS NEEDED

EXT. STILL ANOTHER PART OF THE FENCE - SAME

Toshiko Sato pauses to tap her hands-free. Gwen Cooper, gun drawn, covers her.

TOSH
Yup. Is Jack sure this is going to work?

JACK
(to Ianto)
Absolutely.

IANTO
Absolutely.

BACK TO SCENE

OWEN
Since when does Teaboy get to be a wisearse?

JACK
Since he started wearing fuchsia shirts and silk ties.

Owen glares at Ianto

IANTO
They suit my colouring.

OWEN
Oh for fuck's sake. Can we please get back to the mission?

Ianto reaches into his jacket pocket. Takes out a small device. Hands it to Owen, who arms it. Sets it at the base of the fence, careful not to touch the fence.

OWEN
Like this?

JACK
Perfect.

IANTO
Tosh?

INTERCUT

TOSH
Gwen?

Gwen, who's just finished arming and setting a similar device, gives a thumbs-up.

TOSH
Ready.

BACK TO SCENE

Owen gingerly presses a button

Owen, Jack, and Ianto run for it. Dive over a low hedge. Hit the ground.

The device goes off with a near-soundless poof and an anaemic puff of smoke.

OWEN
That's it?

Jack bursts into giggles.

OWEN
That...?
(realizes)
Oh, you right fucking bastard.

JACK
The look on your face...!
(to Ianto)
What's the word?

IANTO
"Priceless"?

OWEN
Shut the fuck up.
(under his breath)
Pack of hyenas.

Owen taps his hands-free

OWEN
Tosh? Hope things are better over there, sweetheart, 'cause it's the Keystone fucking cops at this end.

INTERCUT

TOSH
Not sure ours worked.

OWEN
No big boom? Little puff of smoke?

TOSH
Yeah.

OWEN
Then everything's perfect. Seems ol' Jack thinks this is funny.

BACK TO SCENE

SCULLY
Freeze! Federal agents!

Owen turns, very slowly. Scully and Mulder, weapons drawn and pointed, have him, Ianto, and Jack in their sights.

OWEN
(softly, to hands-free)
Have to get back to you.

SCULLY
End the call, sir. And put your hands on your heads.

Owen clicks off his hands-free. He, Jack, and Ianto lay their guns on the ground. Put their hands up.

JACK
Federal agents? That means FBI?

MULDER
State your business at this location.

JACK
Well, that's a bit personal. Since when do federal agents take such an interest in private property?

OWEN
Since he's richer than fuck, I'd guess.

MULDER
We're here on...

He pauses. Tilts the pages in his hand so he can see in the light. Looks slightly surprised.

MULDER
Are you...
(reading)
"Captain Jack Harkness"?

IANTO
(to Jack)
Your reputation precedes you.

OWEN
Oh my God. I knew it. He IS the international man of mystery.

JACK
(to Owen)
Oh, behave.
(to Scully)
We're here to clear up a little misunderstanding.

Scully, gun still trained on the guys, picks up a stone. Throws it at the fence. It passes through without incident.

SCULLY
Quite the misunderstanding you've cleared.

JACK
We'll just get what we came for and be out of your hair.

OWEN
Oh, like THAT doesn't sound suspicious.

JACK
Let me handle this, Owen.

OWEN
No, JACK.
(to Mulder)
Look, we're professionals. Like you and your lady partner. And, like you and your lady partner, we're tasked with clearing up the messes other people make. The bloke in that mansion there's got something he shouldn't. It'll cause trouble if he keeps it. So, you and your very attractive lady partner--

MULDER
You're "attractive", Scully.

SCULLY
And a "lady". I heard him.

OWEN
--don't have to worry. Might be better if you don't. Not sure if you lot are set up to handle stuff like we're gonna see in there.

Owen notices that Ianto and Jack wear identical "WTF" expressions.

OWEN
What? It's the direct approach. Some people find it refreshing.

SCULLY
Gentlemen, we're going to have to ask you to come with us.

JACK
We'd rather not.

SCULLY
Sir, I didn't ask you what you wanted.

JACK
There's no need to escalate--

SCULLY
Sir, we cannot condone your breaking and entering--

JACK
Well, technically we haven't entered yet.

IANTO
Not helping, sir.

JACK
But since we need to do the entering...

Twin Glocks point at the backs of Scully and Mulder's heads.

GWEN
Good to see you've got the situation well in hand, Jack.

JACK
Just doing my part to make sure my team looks good.

Jack, Ianto, and Owen retrieve their weapons. Owen draws a second pistol.

With a look at each other, Mulder and Scully reluctantly uncock and drop their weapons.

JACK
What took you so long?

GWEN
Well - generally speaking - if you charge in guns blazing, people tend to get shot.

OWEN
That may well be the first intelligent thing I've ever heard you say.

GWEN
Oh, would you shut up, Owen?

OWEN
Oi! Anonymous mission, GWEN.

JACK
Children, please.
(to Mulder)
So who are you really? FBI don't usually sneak around private residences after midnight.

Mulder reaches slowly for his shield. Owen trains both pistols on him. Calm and non-threatening, Mulder flashes the shield open to reveal his ID as an FBI agent. Owen checks it quickly. Hands it back.

MULDER
Federal Agent Fox Mulder. And this is Agent Dana Scully.

JACK
Fox Mulder? Seriously?

MULDER
Yeah?

GWEN
You know him?

JACK
Well, I've read about... Wow... That's really cool.

SCULLY
Your reputation precedes you.

MULDER
Apparently.

TOSH
Erm... Jack? I hate to break this up, but the suppressors aren't going to last too much longer.

JACK
Right.
(gestures with gun)
Sorry, you two, but you're coming with us.

The sound of RIFLES BEING SHOULDERED as Director Walter Skinner and about a dozen SWAT Guys surround Jack and his team.

OWEN
Shit.

Previous | Next